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SURVEY:
What do you want to know about breathing? Answered in our newsletter

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Humor and Breathing

Page 2   Page 3

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." George Bernard Shaw

Laughter is a great form of medicine. Laughter as a form of exercise.

It changes brain chemistry, releasing endorphins that increase our sense of well-being, improve our reasoning powers and make us less sensitive to pain. Laughter is a proven stress reducer. A good belly laugh both requires and improves deeper breathing and reduces muscle tension. People  who have joy in their lives are more likely to feel good about themselves. It also seems fairly obvious that having a sense of humor helps one cope with life's stressors and crises. Humor can ultimately be used as a coping tool for almost any difficulty because it engages an increase in depth of breathing that relaxes, refreshes and restores.

Laughter can also be dangerous when in conjunction with hypertension, hypercholesterolemia, coronary bypass and smoking, some laughter done too hard will cause Valsalva's maneuver.

Laughter is powerless without breathing. So is the catharsis of crying.  Ever laugh till your eyes teared or you outright cried?

Do you titter or guffaw, smirk or chuckle, smile undiscernibly or yuck, yuck, yuck?

Humor makes life fun. We lighten up and allow the freedom of the breath and reforming of key thought forms to recreate or re-enforce new aspects of inner perspectives.  We get to take a step back and observe and more appreciate the absurd or the underlying wisdom within the depth of our natural un-forced inhalations. 

Laughter is a primary release mechanism from tension. When ridiculousness occurs and our breath releases, we can more readily see the beauty, joy, wittiness or intelligence and better accept unfamiliar or too familiar forms; even the gems of truth hidden in obscure, and blatantly obvious counterproductive points of view.  I would dearly miss the newspaper comic section.  

On a more somber note, Doonesbury author Gary Trudeau states that "In the shadow of great sorrow, sometimes laughter is the only thing between people and utter despair." 

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."
 Mark Twain

Breathing and humor can be a safety valve for the healthy release and expression of anger and other strong feelings and emotions. 

Humor is mentally and physically good for everyone offering perspective and balance while providing temporary relief from the world's restrictive regulations.

Humor is a means of communication and creative expression.

Humor affirms life and brings people together.

Humor is a way to express the truth even when the truth is feared.

Humor is very beneficial in strengthening relationships. It gives one a special   perspective and sense of power. Humor also dispels anger and aggression and relieves tension.

We that learn to find humor even in some of the grim realities and emotion-packed challenges of daily life have an edge on peace of mind. But this mindset takes practice.

And so it goes..

Notice what happens with your breathing after you laugh a lot. My breathing slows down and becomes  fuller and deeper. My voice becomes more resonant.

____________________________________________________


AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT !

 

For Mothers and a few fathers

The Sandwich:
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick  slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and  shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of ivory colored liquid.
on my fingers. 
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'

One of my favorite birthday cards shows a picture of a "seeker" coming to the "top of the mountain" to ask the great sage and seer of all knowingness,

"Oh great baba, what is the secret of long life?"

Inside the card, baba reveals,

"Keep breathing as long as you can."

The Laughlab, at www.laughlab.co.uk, was created by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in England for what he calls the most comprehensive study ever on the psychology of humor. Since it was launched the site has collected more than 20,000 jokes and ratings from 200,000 people in 70 countries.

The following joke received the highest rating from 47 percent of people who participated:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

Diagnosis?.
"When I press my forehead with my finger, it really hurts, " a patient complained to his doctor. "And when I do the same to my cheek, it's also painful. Even if I press on my stomach, I suffer. What can it be?"

Stumped, the physician sent the patient to a specialist.

The man returned to his doctor the following week. "what did the specialist say?" the doctor asked.  The man replied. 
"She said I have a broken finger."

--The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected. 

In the first book of the Bible, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Dililah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father & mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still & he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives & 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.  

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone". 

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead & managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibles. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,  which is another name for marriage. 

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

 

 

 

 

 

San Francisco is the greatest.

You know you're in San Francisco when ...
Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger.
You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers".... it's the first time you have seen him/her nude. 
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.
You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


REAL HEADLINES IN REAL NEWSPAPERS

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

9. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

23. War Dims Hope for Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

38. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

PREPARING FOR A MAMMOGRAM
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. Borrowed with permission from the author. "And How Are We Feeling Today?" by Kathryn Hammer (copyright 1993, Contemporary Books).

Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home!

Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Exercise #2: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise #3: Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all our warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.   Relieving the Trauma of Mammography 

--- Twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latent Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"

21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

19. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."

10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

9. "I was working smarter-not harder."

8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

7. "I'm in the management training program."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client." And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"


---So there’s this sweet Jewish grandma
at this party and she spots a young man and goes over to him and says "well!, you look like a nice young man, tell me something about yourself." He says well, I’ve been gone a long time and it’s nice to be here with my friends. She says "You were gone a long time? Where did you go. He replies. " Well, I was in prison". Prison she says, OH MY, Prison. Goodness, how long were you in prison?.

He confides, 15 years.
GOODNESS. 15 years. What on earth did you do to get sent to prison for 15 years. He tells her "I killed my wife".

She raises her head , looks up at him, smiles and says "so your single?"

Here are the winners of this year's 2009 Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:   and

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its early contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops  bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,   shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting a date.

 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

 really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's

 like, a serious bummer.

 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

 consuming only things that are good for you.

 13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after  you've accidental ly walked through a spider web.

 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in  the fruit you're eating.

 The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

 11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by

 proctologists.

 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

  14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

  15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

  16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by

 Jewish men.

If you just smirk, grin, or smile and never guffaw you may have a breathing problem that has been overlooked? Want to laugh deeper and with more gusto? Click here to take your FREE Breathing Tests
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The breathing improvement techniques, practices and products outlined in this publication are extremely gentle, and should, if carried out as described, be beneficial
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